Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Pouring My Heart Out Again
When I found out I was pregnant with twins, I knew this would be my last pregnancy because 3 was my limit. I hoped, wished, and prayed that I would get at least one girl because I wanted a little girl of my own. My mother and I have always been so close and I wanted that same relationship with a daughter of my own. The day the ultrasound tech told me that one of the twins was a girl, I was so happy that I cried.
She is six years old now and I love her, but I really don't like her very much. Every day is a difficult day with her. She whines about everything, she doesn't do what she is told, she does things that she is told not to do, she talks back and gets an attitude with us when she is told to do something. She intentionally tries to make everyone mad; her brothers, her father, and me. She's annoying and I feel like the most horrible mother in the world for saying this, but I don't like to be around her. It's a constant struggle with her. I even talked to her ped. about it once, he asked me a bazillion questions and he didn't think there was anything wrong with her, but just that she wants attention because she's the youngest, the smallest, and the only girl. I don't enjoy being around her.
I have tried everything with her. I have tried time outs, taking toys away, spanking, taking away privileges, sitting down and talking with her, but nothing works. She is still in that self centered world of hers where she thinks the entire world revolves around her, and she acts as if she just doesn't care about anyone else. It's all about HER. I do think a lot of it is for attention and I've tried to give her some one on one time. The last time my mom and I took her on a "girls shopping day", she complained the whole time, "this is boring".. "come onnnn", so she ruined it. When she IS good, which is rare, I try to give her extra hugs and kisses and tell her how proud I am of her to try and reinforce the good behavior. None of it works. I'm at the end of my rope.
This situation makes me so sad. I wanted a daughter that I could be close with, but I don't even like her most of the time. She's not fun to be around. When we try to do fun things, she just whines or acts up and makes it miserable. Her brothers are no angels, but she is just so much worse. I want to enjoy spending time with her. I want to be able to enjoy doing things with her, but she makes it miserable.
I'm worried about the future. I'm afraid she's going to grow up hating me, and that I'm going to resent her. I don't want to have that sort of fucked up relationship with her. I want it fixed but don't know what else to do. She cries when she gets punished for something, but then will just keep doing it over and over. I'm thinking about not giving her her xmas gifts, but leaving her a note from santa saying she has to be good to "earn" them because she hasn't been good. We've tried using the "santa is watching you" thing, but she doesn't care. I think I need super nanny to come and save me. Sometimes I just break down and cry.