Haven't Been Feelin It...

My grandmother passed away a few weeks ago. I actually wrote a post in this blog about her back in 2009 Growing Old. I was dealing with a lot of stuff after she died such as helping with the funeral planning, then having to sort through her things. I've neglected this blog, and even though I've had a few rant ideas, I just wasn't "feelin" it, or I guess I just wasn't in the mood for it with so much else on my mind. What better opportunity to write about this subject than now? I'm talking about the subject of death. It kinda sucks, right? Well, for some it sucks but for others it is welcomed with open arms. My grandma lived for 97 1/2 years. Throughout her 70s and 80s she was very active, took care of her own home, did gardening..etc.. Not much kept her down. She really went down hill over the last year or so. She lost almost all of her eyesight. She loss the use of her legs. She had a painful infection in her leg that was so bad she couldn't even sleep in her bed; she had to sleep in a chair. She lost her independence. She lost control of everything in her life. She couldn't read, which is one thing I always remember her doing when I was a child. She always had a book she was reading or would spend an hour reading the newspaper because she read every single article. She couldn't watch TV. She couldn't even see the faces of her loved ones anymore. She just.. existed. She hated life and she asked God many times why she had to live so long. Is it fair to put someone through that? Someone who spent their life being so strong and independent? What did she do to deserve to suffer?

I can't wish her back. Why would I want her to come back and live in misery again? I can cherish the memories we had back but I'm glad her suffering is over. It just doesn't seem fair, especially when you have all of these young people dying who haven't even had the chance to truly live their life yet. People younger than me are dying. I guess life just really doesn't make sense some times and it really fuckin' sucks. This is part of the reason that I don't believe in God. I think if there really is a true "God", he wouldn't let people suffer so much. He wouldn't let good people suffer or little children die. My grandma was a good christian woman who dedicated her life to God, but what did that get her?? A lot of misery and suffering. Just not fair.

((This pic is of my grandma when she was 18.))