Today is our Anniversary!

Four years ago today I was walking down the aisle on the happiest day of my life. I should be very happy today, shouldn't I? Today is bittersweet for me. I have mentioned before about my husband and I separating last year. We separated about a week and a half before our Anniversary. It was already hard enough for me to deal with on our anniversary last year but my husband did one of the most heartless things he could ever do. On our wedding anniversary last year my husband told me that he didn't think he was in love with me anymore and didn't think things we going to work out. That was the worst day of my life. We were separated for 9 months and were through Hell and back during those 9 months. Lots of anger, lots of tears. My husband still says that he was going through a "mental breakdown" of sorts and that he now wants to spend the rest of his life making it up to me and proving to me how much he does love me. He says that even though he didn't show it, he was miserable without me and never wants to be without me again. I guess i will never truly understand what happened a year ago...but the memories are always haunting me. Even though we have been back together for 3 months now it is still going to take a long time for me to heal and to be able to put everything in the past. I feel like I have this wall up and that I've lost some of my feelings for him because of what he put me through and it's going to take me a long, long time to be able to bring that wall down. I told him that he destroyed our anniversary by what he did last year. He thinks i should just be able to forget about everything and concentrate on the future. That would be nice for my sanity, lol. Now I just have to figure out how to put the memories behind me and concentrate on the present.